2020 Hindsight

 

I felt i needed to get these thoughts out, but don't really know I want them exposed to ALL OF FB!!! And if i put them on my blog, they will not get much readership.

I will email to some.

Otherwise...

I feel i can rather safely aver that even sans pandemic, 2020 has been the most challenging, disparaging, and difficult year of my life. The medical conditions, financial hemorrhaging, losses...

There have been good moments, but they have been more like the rare skyrocket on a black night than sun coming through clouds.

I've been 'chronically depressed' for as long as i can remember. (I don't know that i was ever 'analyzed' to be 'clinically depressed.)

Although i have never considered taking any action, other than the occasional slamming my head against the wall, i have never before just 'wished it were over' so much.

I've been in some sort of therapy or group for many years. This has been the first time i, at recommendation of a therapist, sought a psychiatrist. Therapists study behavior. They do not have the medical degree that a psychiatrist does. My meds were monitored by my GP and a psychiatric nurse practitioner. We’ve made some changes to my psycho-meds, and they SEEM to be doing OK.

I don’t know whether i am a worst-case optimist, or a hopeful pessimist. My rose-colored glasses need cleaning.

I am still, however hopeful that humanity can turn this disaster around. That ‘we’ learn that ‘value’ and ‘worth’ are beyond price or cost.

I shall continue to be grateful for what i have and can do, and to be compassionate and helpful to those who have less.

I shall likely continue to give away and i shall likely continue to question myself as to was i stupid or saint for what gave.

I shall likely continue to question the value of my ‘purpose’ and worth. I must continue to remember that ALL life on Earth has value and purpose. There is SOMEONE helping EVERYONE. It is ‘OK’ that i turn my attention to cats rather than to humans.

I shall likely continue to question what i contribute compared to what i exhaust.

I wrote this in 1973, i believe it was. Early into my ‘poetry path’…

‘Would it make any difference at all,
If the day would dawn and I’d be gone
Would your sun not shine if I were away
Would the wind not chill if I were to stay
Would your sky turn gray and shed a tear
If at morn I were not near
Would your tree of life like a willow grieve
If by dusk I took my leave
Would your garden of hope be cut so low
If by night I pack and go
And would my world begin to die
If it were you to say goodbye.’